Mystery from the History: Best of Col Paisley #2

Note: the original can be found here. 

"Well I Think You Need To Be More... Flexible"

Hey folks,

In an attempt to be more relatable and be less of a mysterious advice-bearing dapper man [because who can reject paisley?], I’m going to mix in my dating stories/situations with my advice that I wanted to share with y’all last week.

Part of the reason that the Dating Game in Provo is so hard is because everyone takes it too seriously.

Try not to care or worry too much. Be spontaneous. Be open to unstructured plans.

Let me introduce you to Fraulein. She’s a girl I met through work back in February, and she remembered me when she reappeared at work on Friday. We chatted again, and when she came back again on Saturday, we discussed our evenings – neither of us had plans. I picked her up later for a nonchalant dessert date. Conversation flowed well, and I would definitely ask her on a second date if she hadn’t already graduated and lived out of state.

Lesson one: If a guy asks you on a random date on the day of, don’t refuse him simply on principle. [If he’s a complete creeper, however, you may refuse.] Individual situations always change; maybe he only just worked up the courage to ask you out. If you don’t have official plans, humor another human and humble yourself. You may be surprised by a spur-of-the-moment date.

Another lady friend, Matilda Jeffries, is in my ward. We spend a fair amount of time together through a variety of apartment/ward activities, and I’ve always thought she was attractive. Our personalities are similar, and we’ve even had a fun-filled 6+ hour one-on-one adventure. However, her roommate has told me that she’s not interested, and I therefore became less interested in the relationship.

Lesson two: Don’t be afraid to sacrifice a potential relationship for a lasting friendship. I’ve been friendzone’d by countless females, but I am happy about many of those situations. I feel like I’m better friends with a lot of these girls simply because we didn’t think it would work out if we dated.

I’ve lately noticed Matilda spending some time with another guy in the ward who is much more handsome and studly than I. A younger, less experienced version and I would mope and whine about how I “never get the girl.” I would ask useless, hypothetical questions like “why wouldn’t she pick me, then? What does he have that I don’t?”

Lesson three: Questions like those help no one. They reemphasize my lack of self-esteem and encourage my to find things wrong with myself. Or I could simply walk away from the situation with a casual “Good for her. I’m happy for her.” Because frankly, the dating game is hard, and I would be a sick and twisted person if I wished upon anyone to stay in the dating pool forever and never leave. Also, Matilda has never dated anyone before, so she could use the experience. The less selfish and greedy I am, the happier I am with my dating situation.

The last girl that deserves mention tonight is Miss Sora. We met through our on-campus jobs and became friends who went on lots of dates, hung out a lot, cuddled, and held hands. We have very similar interests, personalities, and humor styles. We never kissed or officially “dated”; we took our time with the relationship, and I was happy with that. After one week of minimal communication, however, we talked about the situation. She told me that her feelings for me hadn’t developed in the way she was hoping over the past three or four weeks. I expressed similar feelings, and we “parted the closest of friends” [thanks, Billy Joel]. We are still friends, and we are both very happy that we communicated our feelings clearly and openly, thereby avoiding all potential awkwardness.

Lesson four: Communicate. Don’t be reluctant to share your feelings and be emotionally involved in a relationship. Note: “emotionally involved” and “emotionally invested” are different. Don’t completely validate your existence by whether or not a relationship works. Don’t weep bitter tears into your pillow because he decided he wasn’t interested, or if she doesn’t want to date anyone right now [she actually just doesn’t want to date you… but that’s not the point]. So engage in some emotional interaction, but be mentally and emotionally prepared for all outcomes. Allow yourself room to be disappointed – that same space can potentially also bring you great happiness.

In summary, think of the scene from the Incredibles that uses the title to this post. After Elastigirl says that, Mr. Incredible stammers out a “Are you doing anything tonight?” And that, my friends, is my invitation to you. Be flexible – in four ways:

1. Be spontaneous. Invite someone on a spur-of-the-moment date.

2. Be able to change your course if you know your train won’t be received at the destination. Decide that you don’t need roads where you’re going, and point your train to the sky.

3. Don’t get in a rut. Be able to change and be changed. More importantly, accept changes.

4. Don’t get your expectations up. Unless you expect every single outcome and will be happy with whatever happens.

Good luck with your dating lives, my friends. Dating is like our fair Brigham Young University – it is not without challenges, but we have the option every semester to sign up for STAC 125 – Flexibility. I still think that would be a fun class to take. [Who wants to take it with me next semester?]
Cheers,

Colonel Paisley

Blast from the Past: Best of Featherstone McGee #1

Note: The original can be found here.

The perfect man?

Hello readers, I am Featherstone McGee (clearly my parents were hippies). When I was asked to write a guest post for the Anti-Austen, I was in the middle of cleaning my gun while eating a steak I had prepared after returning from a trip to the range (where I did quite well, I might add). I’ll skip any real introduction as the lesson that follows will (hopefully) give you a sense of who I am.

Last Sunday was stake conference and my stake was graced by the presence of Elder M. Russell Ballard himself. If you’ve lived in Provo for more than thirty seconds, you know the equation: (Apostle+Conference)*BYU=Dating. Needless to say, I hung on every word, carefully listening for anything that might give me an edge over my future competition. Funny that the line that really got me thinking was one addressed to the sisters:

“Sisters, stop looking for the perfect man. There isn’t one here.”

The rusty wheels in my head slowly started turning. We can’t be perfect men, but we can sure be dang good men. So what makes a man a good man? We all have our own views on this subject, shaped by our own experiences. That line from Elder Ballard started to remind me of the lessons I had learned over the past few years. Here are the ones I feel are most important, in no particular order.

A man treats a woman with respect. “The true measure of a man can be found in his relationship with women.” I regret to say that I don’t remember the name of the General Authority who said this. But I try to live my life by this quote. Tall or short, ripped or scrawny, magnificently bearded or physically unable to grow more than three tiny whiskers, if you do not treat a woman as a daughter of God, you are no man. This is the most important lesson that I can impart.

A man makes a woman feel safe. One thing that many women look for in a man is that they can feel safe when they are with him (source: many women). In most cases, it doesn’t matter how you do this. Some men have big muscles (this is not Featherstone McGee). Some have a “do not start trouble here” sort of presence. Others have studied martial arts. Others choose to carry a gun for personal protection. And then there are the bravest men of all who, no matter their size or proficiency in fighting, will place themselves in harm’s way before ever letting anything happen to the women he cares about, whether she be his mother, his sister, his friend, or his significant other.

A man knows when to listen and when to act. This lesson took me a long time to learn. Men by their nature are doers. We take action. Problem à Solution àAction. But guys, get this: sometimes a woman just wants you to listen, to comfort her, to validate her feelings rather than only half-listening while forming a plot to avenge the wrong that has taken place.

A man knows that it’s okay to have feelings. "If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?" ~William Shakespeare

A man is still human (werewolves, vampires excluded) and understands that it’s okay to have feelings. We all feel love and hate, hope and despair, strength and weakness, courage and fear.

A man does not post dresses on a Pinterest instead of courting wonderful and exciting women. In light of recent events (and because every now and then we need a good dose of humor) I felt like mentioning this one. I would like to take this opportunity to note that Featherstone McGee does not have a Pinterest account. You could say that this lesson is about priorities. A good man has his in the right order.

A man is faithful to his Priesthood. This, I feel, is an important one in our LDS culture. LDS women generally want a man who honors his Priesthood. So guys, do your home teaching. Read your scriptures. Pray. Always be worthy to give a blessing – you never know when you’ll be called upon to give one. The blessing of a worthy Priesthood holder leading your household is a wonderful thing.

A man has a good work ethic. Men are most often the providers in the family dynamic. As such, a man needs to have a good work ethic. Always put your best effort into the work that you do. Don’t be a workaholic though! Anything ending in “aholic” is usually bad. Remember balance: Work hard, play hard.

A man has a sense of humor. Enjoy life! Have fun! Make a girl laugh. Make her smile. Your looks will fade with time, but a good sense of humor will survive through eternity. When I was younger, I would go out with my Priest Quorum advisor to visit the elderly couples who couldn’t attend Church on Sundays to bring them the Sacrament. I’ll never forget the wise advice of one man in his mid-90’s. “Don’t get old, son. You can’t control when you poop.” Yes. Over 90 years old and still making poop jokes? He was definitely a man.

Now I leave you with the immortal words of African American poet Skee-Lo:

“I wish I was little bit taller,
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good
I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
and a '64 Impala”

You can’t honestly tell me that it wouldn’t be awesome to have a rabbit in a hat.

~Featherstone McGee

P.S. Fun facts about Featherstone McGee!

1. I have never read a Jane Austen novel.

2. I don’t date as often as I’d like to, thanks to work and school.

3. I would rather die than wear tight pants.

Mystery from the History: Best of Col Paisley #1

Note: The original can be found here.

Navigating the Friend Zone

Hello, fellow blog-stalkers!

I’m going to skip a lengthy introduction and merely state that I am a guest contributor, this time one with a Y chromosome! Gasp. You may call me Colonel Paisley. It’s a blend of two psuedonyms that I entertained: Colonel Fitzwilliam and The Paisley Tie. I find both of these symbolize me pretty well, so I put them in the blender and downed an overpriced Jamba Juice.

Anyway, The Coquette asked me to write a guest post, and I must say that I am delighted to do so. As I pondered about what to write [that sounds like I’m speaking at general conference…] a friend’s Facebook post tickled my fancy:

Listening, Advice, Praise, Diversion, Comfort, Challenge, Companionship, or Affirmation. What kind of friend are you?

It’s funny how well that applies to dating. Mostly I wanted to muse on how to navigate the Friend Zone.

There are so many things I could say about this picture. A: I sail on Inception-esque scenery? Ok. 2: I’m pretty sure this took more time to draw than this post took to write. Forgive my slow trackpad-drawing speed. D: The friend zone has really weird-looking buoys. [HA. Get it? Because this is a dating blog, and “buoys” sounds like… Never mind.]

I’m sorry. My train of thought can often be a runaway.

So, “What kind of friend are you?” Everyone falls into at least one category; we all need to identify the trait that embodies us most and then capitalize on it. It’s kind of like the Five Love Languages, except in a more person-to-person and everyday form.

Anyway: The Friend Zone. We hate it. It ruins our plans. It makes us feel awkward. And yet, it’s so necessary. I know a few relationships that jet ski right on through the Friend Zone, and they can sometimes be awkward. I once dated someone, and we swam in the Waters of Acquaintance…ship, got caught in the Bermuda Triangle of Infatuation and suddenly found ourselves in the Relationship Reef. It was pretty cool, but then we ended up on the beach. And now I’m swimming in the Waters again.

The Friend Zone is actually where you want to be. Not with every specific person you are attracted to, per se, but with people in general. [Perhaps this is a bit too much of my normal character here; I value being friends with everyone. I find it worthwhile.]

It’s in the Friend Zone where I don’t feel awkward walking over to some girls’ apartment and just talking with them without them thinking, “Ugh, why is this creepo hanging out here? He’s not gonna ask me on a date, is he? Jimmer help me.”

Two of my lady friends needed a ride to the mall this evening; I obliged. They felt comfortable enough with me to ask; I feel comfortable putting aside my own activities to help. I later accompanied one of their roommates on an evening run. I’d chalk those under the Companionship and Diversion Friend Languages.

Don’t get me wrong – definitely do not stay in the Friend Zone forever. Test the waters. Move your way towards the warmer waters; maybe you’ll eventually find the Hot Tub of Love. In my experience, it’s much easier to establish a stable, lasting relationship with a member of the opposite sex after I’ve built a solid foundation of friendship based on my and my interest’s Friend Languages [I should copyright that].

Recent contributions to this blog have pointed out that the dating game can be very frustrating and depressing. It’s hard, of course, but it has to be. [At least, in Provo, it does.] Just remember – the Waters of Acquaintancehoodship and the Friend Zone seem pretty vast and fruitless, but you’ll find yourself in warm waters eventually. The world’s not as big and hopeless as you think – it’s not the Dating Ocean, but the Dating Pool.

[I just blew your mind. I didn’t even do it on purpose; it just worked like that.]

So think about your Friend Languages, and get out there and swim! There’s treasure everywhere!

Cheers,

Colonel Paisley