Dating, Marketing...Tomato, Potato

Welcome to the Triple D! I am Featherstone McGee, one of two writers here. You likely know me from the Anti-Austen. I was a guest writer there before they phased out their male authors. My most important pieces on the Anti-Austen were The Perfect Man and The Post Where Featherstone McGee Gets a Little Blasphemous. In lieu of a long introduction, I will let my articles draw you a picture of who Featherstone McGee really is. What I write will tell you more about me than any blurb ever could, so let us begin!

There’s a tool we use quite often in marketing (I’m a marketing student) called a SWOT analysis. It involves analyzing two internal factors, Strengths and Weaknesses, and two external factors, Opportunities and Threats. It looks a little something like this:

	Helpful	Harmful
Internal	Strengths	Weaknesses
External	Opportunities	Threats

As I was in my Place of Contemplation (the shower), I had an epiphany. I was pondering how important it is to truly know who you are when I suddenly realized that this marketing tool could prove quite useful in dating. You see, dating is essentially marketing yourself. Relationships are about meeting the needs of others through the unique attributes that you possess. In order to be successful, you need to know your own strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. Once you know where you stand, you can build your strengths, reduce your weaknesses, take advantage of your opportunities, and minimize your threats. Let me show you what I mean by showing you a shortened version of my own Dating SWOT Analysis.

	Helpful	Harmful
Internal	-Funny -Family oriented -Romantic -Sweet -Dependable -Faithful -Worthy Priesthood Holder -Nerdy (I consider this a strength) -Good listener -Hard worker -Reasonably handsome	-Shy -Often busy with school
External	-The blog -Work -FHE	-Competition -The Friend Zone

Most likely, your SWOT will not look like mine. It will be as unique as you are. Just to be clear, here’s what goes in each box:

Strengths: These are the good things about who you are. Give this section a lot of thought – you’re better than you think you are and once you have identified your strengths, you will know what to advertise most about yourself.

Weaknesses: These are the things about yourself that you can, and should, improve. Everyone has them. I tend to be shy when first meeting new people.

Opportunities: In the Dating SWOT, these are the methods or places you have a good chance of meeting people to date.

Threats: These are the factors that you do not have control over that are not helpful to your dating life. For example, I often end up in the Friend Zone. If you’re the quintessential nice guy, you likely spend a lot of time there.

I hope that you find this to be useful. In dating, it’s important to know who you are and what you have to offer. My own dating life had been in the dumps (and my self-esteem along with it) until a few very special people helped me realize just how much I had to give. Once again, welcome to the Triple D – dating from the guy’s perspective. We’re still working out the details (design, posting schedule, etc.) so things may be unorganized for a bit. I really like to interact with the readers, so if you have any questions you’d like answered or topics you’d like to one of us to write about, email us at bropinion@gmail.com. Your anonymity is guaranteed.

~Featherstone McGee

Mystery from the History: Best of Col Paisley #3

Note: the original can be found here.

Hello, my Provo dating friends!

This week's Paisley Post is brought to you by the letter G, in tribute to Art Garfunkel, who is awesome.

When you think about it, dating is kind of like running.

The above constitutes a "tender moment." Now excuse me, I am gagging.

I ran a 10K this summer, and the song I used to start off the playlist was Simon and Garfunkel's 59th Street Bridge Song. The beginning lyrics are "Slow down, you move too fast. You've got to make the moment last..."

Those words serve me as a reminder to not go too fast at the beginning of the race and wear myself out. Chances are, I haven't prepared much for this race, and I've only stretched minimally before we begin. [It's a miracle I've yet to injure myself... knock on wood.]

"Whoa now, Colonel Paisley, I'm not gonna let you begin judgin' me! A lot of people think my relationship/engagement/marriage moved too fast! You have no right to pass judgment!"

Of course I don't. I'm not speaking to you tonight. You're part of the lucky 1% who are awesome at running and finish a 10K in 23 minutes. There are always people for whom things just "work out." They click, they find the people they are supposed to be with for eternity. Good for them. I'm glad the dating game suddenly got easy for them.

But most of us? Not so much. It's hard being the 99%. [#occupydating anyone?] And tonight I'm not going to provide some hard-and-fast rule about dating speed, but merely some insights and guidance.

In my experience and in the experiences I've witnessed, overall it is beneficial to all parties if relationships move relatively slow.

You never realized there was wisdom in that old Aesop's fable, didja?! 

Good ol' childhood, it was actually useful! Weird.

"Slow and steady wins the race," Aesop instructed us. Try not to take things too fast. I've seen people rush into relationships that eventually fall apart and become awkward for everyone involved. One of my really good friends started dating a girl at the beginning of the semester, but it ended quickly. Now he finds it quite difficult to have a conversation with her or her roommates.

It's never a bad thing to have time to get to know a person's emotional, intellectual, and spiritual sides before flying on into a physical relationship. If you are even mildly interested in finding your eternal companion at a certain point in life, what better way to truly know your compatibility with someone?

One of my friends, whom I consider to be somewhat of a little sister that I don't have, just started dating someone. It seems from the outside that their relationship started really quickly [within a week's span between first date and DTR]. However, they have known each other for at least a year, having developed a friendship at first that, hey cool, later blossomed into a relationship.

I myself started developing a relationship with a certain ladyfriend. We've spent plenty of time together in a variety of activities, but we are not officially dating. We haven't kissed. But things are going well, and I'm not desperately wanting to begin a physical relationship.

...I find I'm not very organized, my friends. I feel like this post could be a lot more cohesive, clear, and coherent (+3). Instead I have a lot of random examples thrown together with semi-related segues and pictures.

Two for one prizes, friends! A picture OF a Segway!

Lame puns [redundant?] aside, let me summarize:

You can be happy if things move quickly. Look at the Charming Directorship. They happened relatively fast, but they're happy with their chocolate milk lunches and chin tickling. Good for them.


Look at my friend Constable Richelieu. He met a girl at a devotional, and they were engaged three weeks later. I'm really happy for them.


And on the flip side, we have people who have spent a long period of time getting to know their significant other.


And how are all these people connected?

They are happy.

That is what it's all about. Can we look at our paths that took us to where we are and say, "Yeah, Paul and Art, you're right, I AM feelin' groovy!"

I basically want to say, don't feel pressure. Be happy with where you are in your life right now. If the winds of change tickle your ear and sweep you up with a person who ends up being the love of your life, enjoy it! If you invest a great deal of time in one person and you feel like the relationship is progressing, savor it! If you sacrifice incense and dead man's toes to the Brigham Young statue at a full moon and confess that you're okay with graduating college single, relish it!

You're living your lives, people! Don't feel the need to rush into something, but don't take it as slow as possible either. Find that happy pace that you and your significant other are supposed to move at, and then "make the moment last."

And listen to Simon and Garfunkel. They make everything better.


Pip pip,

Colonel Paisley

P.S. [I just realized that the correct lyrics are "make the morning last," but I don't really care.]

Blast from the Past: Best of Featherstone McGee #2

Note: the original can be found here.

The post where Featherstone McGee gets a little bit blasphemous...

Dear Readers,

God is a sneaky, sneaky fellow. Now, before you assemble a lynch mob and have me tried for blasphemy, let me say that I make that statement with the utmost respect. Let me also say that I have a habit of using the word sneaky for a variety of things. In this case the meaning I wish to convey is clever. After all, God works in mysterious ways.

Now, at this point I’m guessing that some of you are saying to yourselves Featherstone, what in the world does this have to do with dating? Well, let me tell you.

By now you’ve probably learned that dating at BYU (and within the Mormon culture) is different. It’s unique. I’m guessing that many of you grew up in the same dating culture that I did, or at the very least one that was quite similar. Dates as we know them did not exist or were very rare. The common practice was as follows:

1. We start off with a large group of friends who hang out together quite frequently. Within this group there are many individuals. One is named Jack. Another is named Jill.

2. After getting to know everybody, Jack and Jill begin to realize that they have a slightly elevated interest in one another relative to their interest in the other members of the group. This begins the strange phenomenon known as feelings.

3. Upon contemplation of this interest Jack and Jill begin to spend more time together and feelings develop further.

4. Jack and Jill begin dating (which in this context is defined as the act of being in a romantic relationship) despite having only gone on few, if any, dates.

Does this sound familiar to you? A friend of mine from work grew up in the same dating environment in a completely different state. So I know I’m not the only one. There are at least two of us.

Now here we are at BYU. The dating scene is quite different. Dates are still dates, but dating has taken on two meanings, specifically 1) the act of going on several dates and 2) the act of being in a romantic relationship. Dates and the first meaning of dating play a significantly more important role in the overall process as the dating pool expands to, well, pretty much anybody without a ring on their finger. More options, more possibilities, with people you DON’T EVEN KNOW! It’s enough to make your head spin.

Now, if you’ve ever baked a marble and thrown it in ice cold water, you would know that such a drastic change can be enough to make the insides crack. Indeed, the pressures of dating can be difficult and can indeed cause us to crack. I’m sure that, at one point or another, most of you out there have felt the pressures weigh on you in the form of doubt, despair, hopelessness, sadness, frustration, or some other sad, negative emotion that can come as the result of an unsuccessful dating life. I know that I have. Such was the state I was in when I first discovered this blog.

Now let us shift gears as I begin to relate everything I have said back to the first paragraph (just in case you were wondering when/if that would even happen). I hate cats (no judging). Yet it was a video of a woman blubbering on about cats that brought me to the Anti-Austen. Why did I click the link found on Overheard @ BYU? I don’t know. I just did. Many of the actions that I have performed at the subtle inspiration of the Spirit have been things I have just done that I normally wouldn’t do. Before I knew it, I was writing on the Anti-Austen. A broken boy with too little experience and too much insight writing on a dating blog. Seriously?

As you likely know, a challenge was issued by the Charmer, a contest was held, and a date was procured. The Charmer has admitted in a previous post that her November challenge was indeed inspired. The rest of the details of this story are very personal to me – I hold them very dear to my heart and they are mine to keep. I will tell you that this broken boy is healing quite nicely.

Now, if you’ve ever baked a marble and thrown it in ice cold water, you would know that such a drastic change can be enough to make the insides crack. If you’ve ever seen one of these cracked marbles, you would also know that the cracks inside add a unique character to each and every one of them. Thus, each one is special. God is a sneaky, sneaky fellow. The challenges in our lives shape who we are as individuals and the solutions that help us overcome them are often not what we expect. Never would I have guessed that I could find what I have been searching for through a dating blog.

My dear readers, this message is for those of you who currently face challenges in dating. This message is for those of you whose hopes are dashed. This message is for those of you who find yourselves in need of brighter days. There is indeed hope out there and it will likely come in ways that you don’t expect, even in ways that you have yet to consider. Brighter days are in your future, so keep careful watch for them. I urge you to keep your eyes, your mind, and your heart open, because God may introduce them to you in the cleverest of ways – after all, He is a sneaky, sneaky fellow.

~Featherstone McGee

Mystery from the History: Best of Col Paisley #2

Note: the original can be found here. 

"Well I Think You Need To Be More... Flexible"

Hey folks,

In an attempt to be more relatable and be less of a mysterious advice-bearing dapper man [because who can reject paisley?], I’m going to mix in my dating stories/situations with my advice that I wanted to share with y’all last week.

Part of the reason that the Dating Game in Provo is so hard is because everyone takes it too seriously.

Try not to care or worry too much. Be spontaneous. Be open to unstructured plans.

Let me introduce you to Fraulein. She’s a girl I met through work back in February, and she remembered me when she reappeared at work on Friday. We chatted again, and when she came back again on Saturday, we discussed our evenings – neither of us had plans. I picked her up later for a nonchalant dessert date. Conversation flowed well, and I would definitely ask her on a second date if she hadn’t already graduated and lived out of state.

Lesson one: If a guy asks you on a random date on the day of, don’t refuse him simply on principle. [If he’s a complete creeper, however, you may refuse.] Individual situations always change; maybe he only just worked up the courage to ask you out. If you don’t have official plans, humor another human and humble yourself. You may be surprised by a spur-of-the-moment date.

Another lady friend, Matilda Jeffries, is in my ward. We spend a fair amount of time together through a variety of apartment/ward activities, and I’ve always thought she was attractive. Our personalities are similar, and we’ve even had a fun-filled 6+ hour one-on-one adventure. However, her roommate has told me that she’s not interested, and I therefore became less interested in the relationship.

Lesson two: Don’t be afraid to sacrifice a potential relationship for a lasting friendship. I’ve been friendzone’d by countless females, but I am happy about many of those situations. I feel like I’m better friends with a lot of these girls simply because we didn’t think it would work out if we dated.

I’ve lately noticed Matilda spending some time with another guy in the ward who is much more handsome and studly than I. A younger, less experienced version and I would mope and whine about how I “never get the girl.” I would ask useless, hypothetical questions like “why wouldn’t she pick me, then? What does he have that I don’t?”

Lesson three: Questions like those help no one. They reemphasize my lack of self-esteem and encourage my to find things wrong with myself. Or I could simply walk away from the situation with a casual “Good for her. I’m happy for her.” Because frankly, the dating game is hard, and I would be a sick and twisted person if I wished upon anyone to stay in the dating pool forever and never leave. Also, Matilda has never dated anyone before, so she could use the experience. The less selfish and greedy I am, the happier I am with my dating situation.

The last girl that deserves mention tonight is Miss Sora. We met through our on-campus jobs and became friends who went on lots of dates, hung out a lot, cuddled, and held hands. We have very similar interests, personalities, and humor styles. We never kissed or officially “dated”; we took our time with the relationship, and I was happy with that. After one week of minimal communication, however, we talked about the situation. She told me that her feelings for me hadn’t developed in the way she was hoping over the past three or four weeks. I expressed similar feelings, and we “parted the closest of friends” [thanks, Billy Joel]. We are still friends, and we are both very happy that we communicated our feelings clearly and openly, thereby avoiding all potential awkwardness.

Lesson four: Communicate. Don’t be reluctant to share your feelings and be emotionally involved in a relationship. Note: “emotionally involved” and “emotionally invested” are different. Don’t completely validate your existence by whether or not a relationship works. Don’t weep bitter tears into your pillow because he decided he wasn’t interested, or if she doesn’t want to date anyone right now [she actually just doesn’t want to date you… but that’s not the point]. So engage in some emotional interaction, but be mentally and emotionally prepared for all outcomes. Allow yourself room to be disappointed – that same space can potentially also bring you great happiness.

In summary, think of the scene from the Incredibles that uses the title to this post. After Elastigirl says that, Mr. Incredible stammers out a “Are you doing anything tonight?” And that, my friends, is my invitation to you. Be flexible – in four ways:

1. Be spontaneous. Invite someone on a spur-of-the-moment date.

2. Be able to change your course if you know your train won’t be received at the destination. Decide that you don’t need roads where you’re going, and point your train to the sky.

3. Don’t get in a rut. Be able to change and be changed. More importantly, accept changes.

4. Don’t get your expectations up. Unless you expect every single outcome and will be happy with whatever happens.

Good luck with your dating lives, my friends. Dating is like our fair Brigham Young University – it is not without challenges, but we have the option every semester to sign up for STAC 125 – Flexibility. I still think that would be a fun class to take. [Who wants to take it with me next semester?]
Cheers,

Colonel Paisley

Blast from the Past: Best of Featherstone McGee #1

Note: The original can be found here.

The perfect man?

Hello readers, I am Featherstone McGee (clearly my parents were hippies). When I was asked to write a guest post for the Anti-Austen, I was in the middle of cleaning my gun while eating a steak I had prepared after returning from a trip to the range (where I did quite well, I might add). I’ll skip any real introduction as the lesson that follows will (hopefully) give you a sense of who I am.

Last Sunday was stake conference and my stake was graced by the presence of Elder M. Russell Ballard himself. If you’ve lived in Provo for more than thirty seconds, you know the equation: (Apostle+Conference)*BYU=Dating. Needless to say, I hung on every word, carefully listening for anything that might give me an edge over my future competition. Funny that the line that really got me thinking was one addressed to the sisters:

“Sisters, stop looking for the perfect man. There isn’t one here.”

The rusty wheels in my head slowly started turning. We can’t be perfect men, but we can sure be dang good men. So what makes a man a good man? We all have our own views on this subject, shaped by our own experiences. That line from Elder Ballard started to remind me of the lessons I had learned over the past few years. Here are the ones I feel are most important, in no particular order.

A man treats a woman with respect. “The true measure of a man can be found in his relationship with women.” I regret to say that I don’t remember the name of the General Authority who said this. But I try to live my life by this quote. Tall or short, ripped or scrawny, magnificently bearded or physically unable to grow more than three tiny whiskers, if you do not treat a woman as a daughter of God, you are no man. This is the most important lesson that I can impart.

A man makes a woman feel safe. One thing that many women look for in a man is that they can feel safe when they are with him (source: many women). In most cases, it doesn’t matter how you do this. Some men have big muscles (this is not Featherstone McGee). Some have a “do not start trouble here” sort of presence. Others have studied martial arts. Others choose to carry a gun for personal protection. And then there are the bravest men of all who, no matter their size or proficiency in fighting, will place themselves in harm’s way before ever letting anything happen to the women he cares about, whether she be his mother, his sister, his friend, or his significant other.

A man knows when to listen and when to act. This lesson took me a long time to learn. Men by their nature are doers. We take action. Problem à Solution àAction. But guys, get this: sometimes a woman just wants you to listen, to comfort her, to validate her feelings rather than only half-listening while forming a plot to avenge the wrong that has taken place.

A man knows that it’s okay to have feelings. "If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?" ~William Shakespeare

A man is still human (werewolves, vampires excluded) and understands that it’s okay to have feelings. We all feel love and hate, hope and despair, strength and weakness, courage and fear.

A man does not post dresses on a Pinterest instead of courting wonderful and exciting women. In light of recent events (and because every now and then we need a good dose of humor) I felt like mentioning this one. I would like to take this opportunity to note that Featherstone McGee does not have a Pinterest account. You could say that this lesson is about priorities. A good man has his in the right order.

A man is faithful to his Priesthood. This, I feel, is an important one in our LDS culture. LDS women generally want a man who honors his Priesthood. So guys, do your home teaching. Read your scriptures. Pray. Always be worthy to give a blessing – you never know when you’ll be called upon to give one. The blessing of a worthy Priesthood holder leading your household is a wonderful thing.

A man has a good work ethic. Men are most often the providers in the family dynamic. As such, a man needs to have a good work ethic. Always put your best effort into the work that you do. Don’t be a workaholic though! Anything ending in “aholic” is usually bad. Remember balance: Work hard, play hard.

A man has a sense of humor. Enjoy life! Have fun! Make a girl laugh. Make her smile. Your looks will fade with time, but a good sense of humor will survive through eternity. When I was younger, I would go out with my Priest Quorum advisor to visit the elderly couples who couldn’t attend Church on Sundays to bring them the Sacrament. I’ll never forget the wise advice of one man in his mid-90’s. “Don’t get old, son. You can’t control when you poop.” Yes. Over 90 years old and still making poop jokes? He was definitely a man.

Now I leave you with the immortal words of African American poet Skee-Lo:

“I wish I was little bit taller,
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good
I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
and a '64 Impala”

You can’t honestly tell me that it wouldn’t be awesome to have a rabbit in a hat.

~Featherstone McGee

P.S. Fun facts about Featherstone McGee!

1. I have never read a Jane Austen novel.

2. I don’t date as often as I’d like to, thanks to work and school.

3. I would rather die than wear tight pants.

Mystery from the History: Best of Col Paisley #1

Note: The original can be found here.

Navigating the Friend Zone

Hello, fellow blog-stalkers!

I’m going to skip a lengthy introduction and merely state that I am a guest contributor, this time one with a Y chromosome! Gasp. You may call me Colonel Paisley. It’s a blend of two psuedonyms that I entertained: Colonel Fitzwilliam and The Paisley Tie. I find both of these symbolize me pretty well, so I put them in the blender and downed an overpriced Jamba Juice.

Anyway, The Coquette asked me to write a guest post, and I must say that I am delighted to do so. As I pondered about what to write [that sounds like I’m speaking at general conference…] a friend’s Facebook post tickled my fancy:

Listening, Advice, Praise, Diversion, Comfort, Challenge, Companionship, or Affirmation. What kind of friend are you?

It’s funny how well that applies to dating. Mostly I wanted to muse on how to navigate the Friend Zone.

There are so many things I could say about this picture. A: I sail on Inception-esque scenery? Ok. 2: I’m pretty sure this took more time to draw than this post took to write. Forgive my slow trackpad-drawing speed. D: The friend zone has really weird-looking buoys. [HA. Get it? Because this is a dating blog, and “buoys” sounds like… Never mind.]

I’m sorry. My train of thought can often be a runaway.

So, “What kind of friend are you?” Everyone falls into at least one category; we all need to identify the trait that embodies us most and then capitalize on it. It’s kind of like the Five Love Languages, except in a more person-to-person and everyday form.

Anyway: The Friend Zone. We hate it. It ruins our plans. It makes us feel awkward. And yet, it’s so necessary. I know a few relationships that jet ski right on through the Friend Zone, and they can sometimes be awkward. I once dated someone, and we swam in the Waters of Acquaintance…ship, got caught in the Bermuda Triangle of Infatuation and suddenly found ourselves in the Relationship Reef. It was pretty cool, but then we ended up on the beach. And now I’m swimming in the Waters again.

The Friend Zone is actually where you want to be. Not with every specific person you are attracted to, per se, but with people in general. [Perhaps this is a bit too much of my normal character here; I value being friends with everyone. I find it worthwhile.]

It’s in the Friend Zone where I don’t feel awkward walking over to some girls’ apartment and just talking with them without them thinking, “Ugh, why is this creepo hanging out here? He’s not gonna ask me on a date, is he? Jimmer help me.”

Two of my lady friends needed a ride to the mall this evening; I obliged. They felt comfortable enough with me to ask; I feel comfortable putting aside my own activities to help. I later accompanied one of their roommates on an evening run. I’d chalk those under the Companionship and Diversion Friend Languages.

Don’t get me wrong – definitely do not stay in the Friend Zone forever. Test the waters. Move your way towards the warmer waters; maybe you’ll eventually find the Hot Tub of Love. In my experience, it’s much easier to establish a stable, lasting relationship with a member of the opposite sex after I’ve built a solid foundation of friendship based on my and my interest’s Friend Languages [I should copyright that].

Recent contributions to this blog have pointed out that the dating game can be very frustrating and depressing. It’s hard, of course, but it has to be. [At least, in Provo, it does.] Just remember – the Waters of Acquaintancehoodship and the Friend Zone seem pretty vast and fruitless, but you’ll find yourself in warm waters eventually. The world’s not as big and hopeless as you think – it’s not the Dating Ocean, but the Dating Pool.

[I just blew your mind. I didn’t even do it on purpose; it just worked like that.]

So think about your Friend Languages, and get out there and swim! There’s treasure everywhere!

Cheers,

Colonel Paisley